In honor of International Babywearing Week 2016, I'd love to (nervously!) share my personal experience with babywearing thus far. Like many others, my babywearing journey initiated out of necessity. I birthed a beautiful baby boy that wanted to be held every second of every single day (and night!). Had I not discovered my first carrier, I am fairly certain I would closely resemble Popeye thanks to my lovely, clingy, heavy, bundle of pure love. I am also confident my family would still be eating take-out on paper plates (reminder: my son is now 19 months old). It was only after this first discovery that I was able to discern the true value of babywearing in my life.
Upon leaving my full-time job to become a stay-at-home-Mom and beginning to build my dream of owning my own business, I began to battle some late-onset postpartum anxiety. It was shocking to me how overwhelming having a tiny 8-month-old depend fully on me twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week could be. Back when I was working, I sat at my desk and longed for the opportunity to be at home with my son. And yet here I was, feeling lonely, isolated, and ill-equipped to be the mother I thought he deserved. I also felt like I was breastfeeding around the clock and at the end of the day I felt so literally drained that I didn't know how I'd ever have enough left to give to even make it through one more day.
At one point every decision, from what my son was going to eat for breakfast (would I somehow ruin his chances at a higher IQ if he ate a processed granola bar?) to which books he was reading, seemed so monumental and so extremely numerous I began to feel completely buried in them.
At the peak of my anxiety I was also positive that danger lurked around every corner, and that every single stranger posed an imminent threat to the fragile life I was so carefully preserving. My consciousness was constantly bombarded with disturbing and disastrous scenes that we began leaving the house (our "bubble" as I liked to think of it) less and less. Attending sessions at The Parenting Village and realizing that my experience was normal and felt by others helped a great deal, but the chemical imbalance I was experiencing needed even more support to heal.
Since the timing of this ordeal happened to coincide with the launch of Climbing Vines, I found myself reaching for my carrier more often, as I was constantly at the building site or putting one thing or another together to prepare for our big grand opening.
It was around then that I realized how truly calm I felt with my baby's sleepy head resting peacefully on my chest. I felt safe, serene, and so full of joy (gotta love that skin-to-skin rush of oxytocin!). Suddenly, I felt like he was protected and that we were fully connected, not only physically, but in a much deeper, more permanent way.
It was something about the way our breathing both steadied, seemingly syncing into one stable, peaceful rhythm. It was also the first time in months that I just knew I was doing exactly what I was meant to in that moment- I was holding my baby close, savoring every eyelash, every ounce of adorable baby-fat, and every smidgen of innocence he possessed. I didn't feel the need to compare myself to others, and I wasn't constantly second-guessing each small choice I made.
It was also the start of my own personal mantra: Just. Breathe.
I knew that no matter what was happening with my business or at home, all I had to do was breathe and keep breathing and somehow, it all would fall into place. Everything else and every other obligation was secondary. It may seem silly, but reverting back to that very basic instinct helped me be more mindful when prioritizing which tasks or issues I allocated my energy to, and I was much happier. Feeling us breathing in sync was everything I needed.
It was this finding that finally began my journey back to health and clarity. I realized that my family had to always be my priority. It helped me find trust in a support system which I no longer felt threatened by. My husband noticed a different, more confident intention in my daily demeanor. I began believing in my instincts and welcoming future challenges, for I knew I held the strength to overcome them. While I still struggle with hyper-focusing on small, uncontrollable issues, each day is a step in the right direction. I continue to just breathe and I just keep on breathing.
It continues to amaze me how much a simple and ancient practice changed my entire outlook on parenting and living.
I still find myself reaching for a carrier every time I feel my strength become shaky (as well as every time I need to get something accomplished within a reasonable time frame- so, basically hourly!). I have also joined a lovely group of women who are passionate about wearing their babies, though for all different reasons. I feel so lucky to have found them, and feel at-home in their warm company.
There are so many scientific and practical reasons to wear your child- this is just mine. Please check out the Babywearing International website to learn more about this topic, this week especially!
Next time you stop into Climbing Vines and see little Benjamin's head pop out from behind my back, don't forget to say hello! Thank you for reading about my journey.
#lovecarrieson
#breatheandkeepbreathing
